Realizations, with a touch of dyslexia

When I was younger, there were thoughts I had to myself that I assumed applied to everyone. I found out the truths about these thoughts far too late in life…

For one, I thought it was widely known that Puff the Magic Dragon frolicked in the “Ottomiss.” Yes, I thought this was the name of the town where he lived in the land of Honnahlee. Like Ottomiss, Honnahlee, UK or some shit. This is the reason why I was 110% shocked at the age of 16 when I found out it was really the “Autumn Mist.” Say whaaa?

Secondly, growing up, I thought Princeton was a good representation of New Jersey…until I went to school in Northern New Jersey. Then, I discovered that not only is Princeton NOT a good representation of New Jersey, but that it is not a good representation of anything but itself. It is unique in all of its own good and bad ways. For 18 years, I truly lived in a bubble. “Schools have marching bands??” “Not everyone has to take 5 AP courses even if they don't feel totally qualified?” Yeah, these are realizations I came to.

And lastly, I used to think everyone was a little bit dyslexic. I remember saying to my sister once “You know when you look at a word and you see ‘Pastey’ but then you realize it actually says ‘Patsy?’ Isn’t that weird?” She laughed and rolled her eyes. I figured this was just because she was my sister and she’s allowed to tease me about stuff. So, I went on believing this falsity that everyone is a little dyslexic. Sadly, I only recently came to the realization that this is not true. I came across an online quiz that said something like “if you answer yes to 5 or more of these questions, you may be dyslexic.” I figured, what the hey, and took it….and I answered yes to 9 of them. Uh-oh. I figured I’d do a little searching to see if I couldn’t find more answers. I found another similar questionnaire, where it seemed I was clicking the bubbles next to the Yes’s on every question.
“Do you have trouble concentrating?” YES.
“Do you often daydream?” YES.
“Did you have trouble with word problems in school, but excelled at art and music?” YES.
“Do you make mistakes when writing cheques?” OMG YES (you don't understand how many cheques I've had to void through the years).
“Does your handwriting vary or is illegible?” SERIOUSLY, YES, GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
“Do you hold a pen or pencil unusually, or are ambidextrous?” YES, YES, YES!
“Do you often get confused with dates or are late to appointments?” SHUT UP, YES!

And so on.

So guys, I think I have a problem. How does one get evaluated for dyslexia? And more importantly, how did this slip by all my teachers and loved ones, who passed all these quirks off as “That’s just Caroline being Caroline?” And this friends, is how, at the age of 25, I found out that not everyone is a little bit dyslexic...BUT, I might be. Yikes.

Bring on the salmonella

So the FDA has issued a recall of several peanut butter products apparently. I recieved a voicemail today from ShopRite of a recorded message. It went something like this:

"Our Price Plus records indicate that you have purchased FDA recalled products recently. Jarred peanut butter for consumer use has not been recalled. For more information, please go to www.FDA.gov. Thank you."

So lemme get this straight. I get a voicemail, telling me that I've purchased poison, and they don't tell me what that poison is? Awesome. Good thing they let me know that jarred peanut butter is not tainted. Really, I'm sure most things I've eaten aren't tainted...but WHAT IS?? I think that's really the key piece of information for a call like this. They're like "oh, b-t-dubbs, some kind of grocery you bought, sometime in life at shop rite might kill you. Wellp, enjoy!" Why call me if you're not going to tell me what foods of mine are going to kill me?

The easy solution would be to dump the contents of the fridge, but here's the problem: we moved this weekend, and before we did so we avoided shopping and ATE EVERYTHING WE HAD. Yep, tainted pb crackers, and keebler cookies, and cliff bars and all. Here's the thing. Steve is a hypochondriac. Since he's the person that usually consumes the snacks in the house, I think I just won't tell him about this recall. I'll just wait for him to get sick, and then make him run around so he'll sweat it out. That's how you get rid of salmonella, right? Sweating it out? I dunno, I'm not a doctor. All I know is that my sister had salmonella once and it wasn't that bad. And by not that bad I mean she had crippling squirts for weeks and was hospitalized. But hey, she didn't have to go to work! High five!