Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This is why I'm fat, this is why I'm fat, this is why, this is why, this is why I'm fat...

This website

...is the single greatest site on the internet ever. Basically, the site lists the most disgustingly fatty foods that anyone could possibly come up with. For example, bacon donuts: glazed donuts topped with crumbly bits of greasy bacon love. O. M . G. Also, french fry wrapped hot dog on a stick, which is exactly what it sounds like. Someone took a corn dog, but replaced the fried cornbread with french fries, just to ensure a nice myocardial infarction. This site is making fun of all the weird disgusting fatty foods that people have created; however, I want to eat all of it. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a fairly slender girl, but I haven't always been. I'm a big ole bacon-loving fatty at heart. I have Weight Watchers, and a family history of heart failure that scared me into submission to thank for being slender. I've got a lot of will power, but a part of me always lusts for the extra fatty, sweet, and greasy.

Some examples of my inner lard-lover:

-The first time I heard the word "pilates," I thought it was a dessert. I totally wanted some chocolate-covered, cream-filled pilates.
-I can't think of the word "Swedish" and not automatically follow it up with "fish." I just can't.
-I can eat a fat sandwich from Rutgers, whole, in the time it takes for a normal person to finish half of their's and wince in pain, unable to continue.
-I've never saved any of my candy for the movie. Ever. Sometimes it doesn't even make it through the first preview.
-Each time of year can be placed into a "candy season" category for me. Like, right now is conversation heart season, which is second only to jellybean season (but just edging out candy cane season, which is tied with candy corn season).

And so on.

So, you get the idea. "This is why you're fat" is a blogroll that speaks to me. Mmmmm, blogroll.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Aaaaand I'm shady

I recently moved, and so I have some lingering items in my trunk. I just want to point out what they are:

-Dog crate
-Clown shoes
-Amy Winehouse wig
-Poker set


Does anyone else think I look suspiciously like some sort of shady clown killer? For real, I think if I got pulled over by the police and they needed to search my car, I'd have a lot of 'splainin' to do.

UPDATE: So, my friend, Tek pointed something innerestin' out to me: why would the police "need" to search my car? Guess I'm even shadier than I thought.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Is the plural for fetish supposed to be ‘feti?’ Wait that sounds like the plural for feta cheese. Speaking of cheese…

A few of my friends are currently enveloped in the unpredictable world of online dating. Between them, they’ve probably seen it all: older married men, foot fetish guys, guys that like to dress up in costumes and go to ComiCons, players, stalkers, guys who like to be dominated, you name it. However, today, my friend, Diablo encountered a dude with a story that none of us had EVER heard of. This is the story of SwissCheeseGuy.

Diablo received an IM through the dating website from SwissCheeseGuy. “So, would you like to participate in my swiss cheese fetish?” Her first thought about reading that this gentleman had a “swiss cheese fetish” led her to believe what any sane person would: this guy clearly likes to…er, penetrate the swiss holes. She was immediately disgusted, but intrigued because, um, hi…swiss cheese fetish? Really? Upon looking at his profile, she discovered his true story (I’m only including excerpts):

I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis. Either as slices of
((Swiss cheese)) being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being
rubbed against my penis. I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to
pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me
to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.

I prefer Swiss cheese over normal ((sex)) as a way of gratification because
of a childhood condition. I ADHD as a child, that lead to lower self confidence
and mental treatment, out of which I had a hard time forming

The reason why is that I am a diabetic, and as a diabetic I have developed
erectile dysfunction. Even tho I can take medication for it, I simply can't get
sustained erections to have normal sex, just hard enough to have my fetish.Now I
am just addicted to it, like a smoker is addicted to cigarettes. It's like a
drug, that I simple can't get enough of.

Everyone has fetishes.

OK…Wow, just wow. I have to agree with Diablo when she said that his profile left her with a lot of emotions. She stated:

Like at first, I was mad that I wasn't right about him liking to stick his dick
in the cheese holes, then I was disgusted...then I was, admittedly, intrigued
with my mental image of a fat dude sitting there with roller up swiss on his
chubby limp peen. Then, I almost got a little sad at the diabetes part, then I
was back to disgusted. Overall, you laughed, you cried, you puked.

I just want to point out that he blames his ADHD for his need to rub swiss cheese on his peen. Right, because having attention span problems naturally progresses into being sexually attracted to dairy in adulthood. If that were the case, given the amount of children diagnosed with attention problems in this country, we’d probably see a steady rise in dairy pricing. You know, supply and demand. And, I know I speak for most when I say that it’ll be a cold day in hell before I pay more than I already have to for cheese. Cheese that I EAT. Seriously, do I blame my obsession for eating as many different kinds of gummy candy as possible on being a child of divorce? No (kind of).

Anyway, I feel kinda bad for SwissCheeseGuy. He’s definitely in the minority. I wanna say that we should all make up fake fetishes and post profiles so he doesn’t feel bad, but honestly, I couldn’t come up with something that good if I tried.

p.s. So um, swiss cheese is pretty much ruined for me forever. From now on, I’m getting cheddar on my ruben sandwiches because, damn.